10 Things That Keep Me Going

A few days ago, I was taking the usual hour drive from Nilai to Home that I've been taking for far too long ( no, it's only been about 6 weeks), it was slightly raining and I was starting to feel a little down. Adele's "Melt My Heart to Stone" came on and suddenly it struck me...

Naz, you've haven't been singing to yourself enough lately. It somewhat took me off guard to really think about how long it's been since I had that habit of singing really loudly to songs off my car's radio. Instantly, like a huge whale was taken off of my shoulders, I felt much much better. I felt like Me, again. Besides, I've always believed to never trust anyone else with your happiness. So, here is my list of 10 Things That Get Me Going. Of course, as I grow older, this list may change, but let's try to keep it as timeless as possible.

10. Talking to someone I've known for a really really long time.

9. Getting Inspired by that makeup look on that magazine cover.

8. Cooking & baking to perfection for someone else.

7. Hearing my fat cat snoring, cuddled next to me.

6. The one that started this list. Singing too loud for anyone's good in the car.

5. The ability to put that spare change into my coin bank. Or spare change into my bank account ;)

4. Thinking to myself after seeing a pretty celebrity " Well, I actually KIND of look like her!"

3. HUGS!

2. Shopping. Oh why. Oh why!!!! ( Note: This comes after "Saving Money")

1. Chocolate. Not the dark kind but the purely smooth creamy milk chocolate kind. OH YESSS YESS!!

Insecurities. Appreciation. Justice.

I don't know how relatable my stories are to others and I'd like to think that I am special, but hopefully, some will find my stories similar to theirs. Putting aside, the vast difference in the scope of well, let's put it "adventures", I have to go through in my short life lived, I'd believe that I'd still be a little bit of special.

One of the greatest things I have to deal with is insecurity(ies). As a student, one of the greatest insecurity I've dealt with is my education. Mistakes that happened in the yesteryears which was purely based on my faith on those wiser older than me clearly proved to be grave. The worst part of it all, everything that threatens my very education all stands out of my control and hands. It's not the failing I'm ever worrying about. It's the very CONTINUATION of my education which gives me greatest fear. And if this latest threat falls through, I guess, either God thinks I deserve it somehow for something I did, or formal education is just not for me. Too many hiccups, too many bumps... too many non-failing failed attempts and to think this is coming from a so-called "bright" student.

Lesson #1 : Always go with your instinct. Not those who, from some form of power or hierarchy, you should be listening to. Always go with the norm and you'd never go wrong. Education is not a gamble, Do not take risks. and if you make your mistakes, make sure it is your own mistakes. It's much easier to handle that way.

Appreciation.

It's hard to expect to be appreciated. It always seem like the better half of the deal goes to someone who totally does not deserve it at all. Especially when it comes to family. It's hard drawing the line between who contributes more towards the family on most occasions. But it seems that this occasion, it's quite straightforward. Having invited a elderly family member home despite having people at home hate you for it if one hard thing to deal with. But it takes on a whole new level when that same person, who lied and said they were too busy with work (but actually out) to spend time with their elders, get the better half of the deal.

Lesson #2 : Never do anything nice.

Which takes me to justice, have I lost faith in thinking that, if I do my best I will get returns? Have I lost faith in Justice?

Lesson #3: Only time will tell. Stop being impatient.

From the Fourth to the Twelveth.

A lot of people have commented that I've been looking very sad lately. Like there's something lacking. I don't know how they can tell. Maybe I twinkle a little less in the eyes. Or maybe it's the little awkward changes in my jokes and sarcasm.

I admit, yes, a lot has been going on my mind. And to make it even harder. I just can't really pin point to what it is. Trust me, I've been trying really hard to organise these thoughts and put them all in a straight line. I miss that feeling of knowing exactly what to say when you want to rant. The feeling that you wont be judged. And hopefully through that venting you find a solution since you actually know what the problem is.

The feeling of just running away or putting myself into a deeper state of denial is growing really strong.

I hope that this feeling isn't going to be cyclical or permanent even.

Middle of this year, I think I had one of the best times in my life and I did not know where to draw the line. And to this day I'm still dreaming of those days when reality does not exist for me. And the little girl inside of me just refuse to wake up.

In T minus 8 days I am going to formally jump into the adult pool. No, it does not contain too much porn. But rather, more responsibilities. Thinking about it, I don't think I am actually capable of living up to it. Then again thinking about it.... who is?

In 29 years time I will be crossing the half-decade phase and even then, I will still ask the same question.

Spaces.Changes.Being "Responsible".

I've been experiencing a serious lax in securing my academic performance ever since the start of third year. While I do recognise that this is literally gonna affect how I'm going to survive my next three years in clinicals, it's really hard to get out of this hole!

I've even resorted to downloading apps like '55,000 motivational quotes". Yes, I admit, I have been really distracted. How I managed to be so distracted and down-right lazy during preclinicals and still scrape through pretty awesome-ly really baffles me. The downside of this is that I've lost faith in myself that I'll manage to repeat such a feat in the near future.

Faith in myself. These past few months really tested me and I feel as though as I'm failing miserably in this. I hope that getting all these thoughts out in the very wide open, I would somehow manage to get my (Academic) life back on track. But then again, this is what we call life and yes, I am entering the last "young life" milestone in my life. I'm officially entering my third decade of life. Officially being old? almost crossing the boundaries past YOUNG ADULTHOOD. Possibly ending the time when the only real responsibility I have is just "To Learn".

The again, don't get me wrong. My life outside my academics is going really peachy. Peachy as compared to before. I even think that by using the word peachy is an understatement. It's going really well, I have a relatively happy family background, a good stable loving relationship, great friends, time for myself ( hell, I'm taking too much time for myself) but a little bit lazy to excercise.

Maybe that's where I need to change, my active life. dammit, I wanna start kickboxing again, get my kickboxing awesome legs and flexibility back. I WANT IT BACK!!!

Examination.Holidays.Bali.Clinicals.

Introducing: Mini ME!

This is Makmah's (my maid since I was 2 months old) new granddaughter and as the last one to "get a grandchild named after you" I'm proud to introduce to you guys, NAZURAH!

I've been looking around at a lot of baby clothes to send down to my maids hometown and so excited to see the pictures of her wearing them!

I bought this cute APPLEBOTTOM top/dress and feels like I should accompany a short snippet of "Low".

apppleee bottom jeaaannnnnssss boootsss with da fuuuurrrrr!!!

It's been almost 3 months since my last post and I know I think it was a REALLY REALLY short 3 months. I've had my not so extremely stressful mugging season, had my exams, then celebrated with many many trips abroad (nearby only lah, not so far one) and then now I'm back and raring to go for my new section of my life as a Clinical Medical student. *ties my rambo scarf* AAAARRGHHH!!! BRING IT!

I travelled a lot in the last few months, Singapore, Malaysia, Bali, Singapore, Malaysia, Bali.... and next week, Manjung for my first posting (Paediatrics).

I love travelling and I love not stepping into the same old situation time and again. I love and live for the unfamiliar. I guess that is how I've accepted my life to be. Unfamiliar. Spontaneous. Awkward at times. But I don't find myself complaining about my life as much as I did when I was younger. Maybe slowly, I've come to realise that this is what He has chosen for me, and He knows that I'm strong enough to go through the weirdness in my life. I'm glad that the things that actually get me down are really the things that should get you down. Family, Education, Finances and not those nitty gritty things like classmates, housemates, groupmates and oh-so-immature-judgemental people.

I guess this short entry should end here and hopefully I'll remember to update a little bit more during my first posting and hey! Ramadhan is next week! whee!

Cupcakes and Birthdays.

I stopped giving actual presents quite sometime ago and gave people my lil tiny cupcakes aka Babycakes out as birthday presents. Why? Cos I'm a cheapskate.

But hey, people are so taken away by the absolute cuteness of the cupcakes that they totally forget about what a cheapskate you are! Trust me!! But I've had a few people who go "Hey, Where's my real present?"

So, On to the pictures to last Friday's Birthday celebration at Delicious at DUA Residence for May!

Okay well, here, please note that these were also done together with my friend who, as u can tell likes cupcakes that look more like rainbow vomit. No offence intended!

So how did I actually get into this whole cupcake shabang?

I'm one of those trend followers yeah yeah. Well, actually it started a few years back when I tried hard wanting to try one of those cupcakes from a cafe in Damansara, but I went to the place several times and never seem to find the cafe! So I got so frustrated, I said, I'll make them myself. Then it became an obsession, I'd make a batch every weekend and by the forth weekend, my family was so sick of them the cupcakes went on weeks with no one touching them. Then one fine day, my mum decided to help me set up my stall at a Flea Market nearby and VOILA! Babycakes was born!! Here, you can see one of our flyers immortalized by Facebook.

After a while this got really tiring, so I ceased taking orders and selling at the fleamarket. After a while making these cupcakes didnt feel as inspiring as it once did.

Although I am not doing my lil mini-buiness thing anymore, I still do take orders for cupcakes for friends and my regular customers. And occasionally, I open an order for a fresh batch of inspired homemade style cupcakes =D

Kickboxing: Update 1

Well, what can I say about my used-to be-new obsession, I signed up for the 8 Classes a month for the month of March- April, and guess what? It wasn't enough, I suppose if I did not have so many camps to go to in April I would have easily have gone for 3-5 times a week. So since, I have my whole study break in May, I decided to go for every single day where I can.

I have to say, My body had changed so much, I didn't think I could have been this way just a month and a half back.

1st change: My legs has decreased in cellulite. And I wasn't even sure that the thigh cellulite would ever go away! but it really looks smoother and now I can wear my short dresses and shorts again!!

2nd change: Now I am able to easily run 2.4km without feeling like I'm going to die. I know many of you ( those 28 Unique Readers) I have think that hey, 2.4km is NOTHING??? but guys, you've gotta understand where I'm coming from! This is a slightly "chubby" young female adult who in her life has never been considered fit. haha! But this also is due to the morning jog (this week i only did two cos I was too tired from kickboxing the evening before) I have been taking after sending my brother to school.

3rd change: You know when you do those leg stretches on the floor, you find it so difficult to even reach the tip of your fingers to your toes, but guess what. I became so flexible, I could kiss and hug my knee, and currently i feel like if my knee wasn't in the way, I could kiss the floor.

4th Change : My conversation with my best friend went like this in the cafeteria one day,

me : oh! look!! I now have BICEPS!!!

her: *rolls eyes* oh come on. I dont believe you

me: COME HERE! LOOK! *flexes my muscles under my long sleeved shirt* feel it!!

her: *pokes the side of my arm half heartedly * no, thats fat!

me: no, not there. HERE. *shows her the top of my arm*

her: Thats your bone, genius.

me: NO WAY! THATS MY MUSCLE!!!!! *grins contently with self*

but, well for the main aim for losing weight, I haven;t =( I mean, I really am caving in on my diet, I really really hate dieting but i really really love working out. I did lose a couple of kgs in one week but then I somehow gained it back this week. hahaha! oh =( It's sad though when you feel all this changes to your body, but then, your weight doesnt change. I have a feeling its due to all the muscle thats building up under a ton of fat that I have.