Principles I Live by.

One of the many principles which I keep really dear to me is:

You are the king (or queen) of your own happiness.

This last year or so has taught me how difficult that actually is to practice. It was much easier for me back when the only person I did have was myself. I always knew that the happiest that I can ever be is when I make myself happy. Not anybody else. We all know where this post is leading don't we?

Well, the same person did tell me before that posting "personal" things on the internet isn't a wise thing to do as it exposes your weakness to the world. Yet, there is something always therapeutic about putting my thoughts out there. There. Meaning the wider space we don't actually know. I guess part of the therapy actually includes the flow of words that come out of my mind that slowly makes me let. things. go. Ok. Here goes.

So, yes, happiness. Lately, I don't know what constitutes to being "happy"? I remember back when I was a much more positive person.( And you see this thoughts becoming a trend in my blog posts here.) I was very contented with myself yes, while I do felt the pitfalls of being single here and there sometimes but I was generally, happy. I was never trying to make another one proud of me? like me? ...love me? I was so contented with myself, my hobbies, my body. I never had to feel graded. I never had to feel like I was measured against someone else. I never took another's words seriously and let it affect me so much.

You have a negative comment and you've put it out there for my whole class to see? screw you!

You don't have the guts to come up to me and deal with me face to face? to hell with you!

You didn't have a good day and are being rude to me? WATCH ME CARE? -blocked-

I find it hard to admit that something did happen a year ago. Something/someone who was supposed to be the greatest, my other half? The person that would make me better than I already was? I guess although it happened a year ago I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm living for two. Rather for 1 1/2, but sadly, the 1 life I'm living for is not mine.

I'm strong and I know that I must stand up for myself. So that's it. From today, I'm living for me again.

I've drawn up a plan. A strategy. To ignore everything else and live for me again. To feel free again. To feel alive again.

1. Eat well, exercise and gain focus.

When I feel good, I look good and confidence boost everytime I look in the mirror ;) And when I'm focused I get things done, done and done. =)

2. Compartmentalize these feelings.

Literally. I'm going to have a notepad. Every bad thought, will be written down and thrown away in the bin. Then, a positive thought is penned and kept.

3. Sing your heart out.

Self explanatory :)

4. You're beautiful, with a smile =)

5. Get a new hobby, go out with someone newly met =)

It starts with motivation and ends with success =)

See, penning down something and posting it out there never fails to help. =)

10 Things That Keep Me Going

A few days ago, I was taking the usual hour drive from Nilai to Home that I've been taking for far too long ( no, it's only been about 6 weeks), it was slightly raining and I was starting to feel a little down. Adele's "Melt My Heart to Stone" came on and suddenly it struck me...

Naz, you've haven't been singing to yourself enough lately. It somewhat took me off guard to really think about how long it's been since I had that habit of singing really loudly to songs off my car's radio. Instantly, like a huge whale was taken off of my shoulders, I felt much much better. I felt like Me, again. Besides, I've always believed to never trust anyone else with your happiness. So, here is my list of 10 Things That Get Me Going. Of course, as I grow older, this list may change, but let's try to keep it as timeless as possible.

10. Talking to someone I've known for a really really long time.

9. Getting Inspired by that makeup look on that magazine cover.

8. Cooking & baking to perfection for someone else.

7. Hearing my fat cat snoring, cuddled next to me.

6. The one that started this list. Singing too loud for anyone's good in the car.

5. The ability to put that spare change into my coin bank. Or spare change into my bank account ;)

4. Thinking to myself after seeing a pretty celebrity " Well, I actually KIND of look like her!"

3. HUGS!

2. Shopping. Oh why. Oh why!!!! ( Note: This comes after "Saving Money")

1. Chocolate. Not the dark kind but the purely smooth creamy milk chocolate kind. OH YESSS YESS!!

Insecurities. Appreciation. Justice.

I don't know how relatable my stories are to others and I'd like to think that I am special, but hopefully, some will find my stories similar to theirs. Putting aside, the vast difference in the scope of well, let's put it "adventures", I have to go through in my short life lived, I'd believe that I'd still be a little bit of special.

One of the greatest things I have to deal with is insecurity(ies). As a student, one of the greatest insecurity I've dealt with is my education. Mistakes that happened in the yesteryears which was purely based on my faith on those wiser older than me clearly proved to be grave. The worst part of it all, everything that threatens my very education all stands out of my control and hands. It's not the failing I'm ever worrying about. It's the very CONTINUATION of my education which gives me greatest fear. And if this latest threat falls through, I guess, either God thinks I deserve it somehow for something I did, or formal education is just not for me. Too many hiccups, too many bumps... too many non-failing failed attempts and to think this is coming from a so-called "bright" student.

Lesson #1 : Always go with your instinct. Not those who, from some form of power or hierarchy, you should be listening to. Always go with the norm and you'd never go wrong. Education is not a gamble, Do not take risks. and if you make your mistakes, make sure it is your own mistakes. It's much easier to handle that way.

Appreciation.

It's hard to expect to be appreciated. It always seem like the better half of the deal goes to someone who totally does not deserve it at all. Especially when it comes to family. It's hard drawing the line between who contributes more towards the family on most occasions. But it seems that this occasion, it's quite straightforward. Having invited a elderly family member home despite having people at home hate you for it if one hard thing to deal with. But it takes on a whole new level when that same person, who lied and said they were too busy with work (but actually out) to spend time with their elders, get the better half of the deal.

Lesson #2 : Never do anything nice.

Which takes me to justice, have I lost faith in thinking that, if I do my best I will get returns? Have I lost faith in Justice?

Lesson #3: Only time will tell. Stop being impatient.