Principles I Live by.

One of the many principles which I keep really dear to me is:

You are the king (or queen) of your own happiness.

This last year or so has taught me how difficult that actually is to practice. It was much easier for me back when the only person I did have was myself. I always knew that the happiest that I can ever be is when I make myself happy. Not anybody else. We all know where this post is leading don't we?

Well, the same person did tell me before that posting "personal" things on the internet isn't a wise thing to do as it exposes your weakness to the world. Yet, there is something always therapeutic about putting my thoughts out there. There. Meaning the wider space we don't actually know. I guess part of the therapy actually includes the flow of words that come out of my mind that slowly makes me let. things. go. Ok. Here goes.

So, yes, happiness. Lately, I don't know what constitutes to being "happy"? I remember back when I was a much more positive person.( And you see this thoughts becoming a trend in my blog posts here.) I was very contented with myself yes, while I do felt the pitfalls of being single here and there sometimes but I was generally, happy. I was never trying to make another one proud of me? like me? ...love me? I was so contented with myself, my hobbies, my body. I never had to feel graded. I never had to feel like I was measured against someone else. I never took another's words seriously and let it affect me so much.

You have a negative comment and you've put it out there for my whole class to see? screw you!

You don't have the guts to come up to me and deal with me face to face? to hell with you!

You didn't have a good day and are being rude to me? WATCH ME CARE? -blocked-

I find it hard to admit that something did happen a year ago. Something/someone who was supposed to be the greatest, my other half? The person that would make me better than I already was? I guess although it happened a year ago I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm living for two. Rather for 1 1/2, but sadly, the 1 life I'm living for is not mine.

I'm strong and I know that I must stand up for myself. So that's it. From today, I'm living for me again.

I've drawn up a plan. A strategy. To ignore everything else and live for me again. To feel free again. To feel alive again.

1. Eat well, exercise and gain focus.

When I feel good, I look good and confidence boost everytime I look in the mirror ;) And when I'm focused I get things done, done and done. =)

2. Compartmentalize these feelings.

Literally. I'm going to have a notepad. Every bad thought, will be written down and thrown away in the bin. Then, a positive thought is penned and kept.

3. Sing your heart out.

Self explanatory :)

4. You're beautiful, with a smile =)

5. Get a new hobby, go out with someone newly met =)

It starts with motivation and ends with success =)

See, penning down something and posting it out there never fails to help. =)

10 Things That Keep Me Going

A few days ago, I was taking the usual hour drive from Nilai to Home that I've been taking for far too long ( no, it's only been about 6 weeks), it was slightly raining and I was starting to feel a little down. Adele's "Melt My Heart to Stone" came on and suddenly it struck me...

Naz, you've haven't been singing to yourself enough lately. It somewhat took me off guard to really think about how long it's been since I had that habit of singing really loudly to songs off my car's radio. Instantly, like a huge whale was taken off of my shoulders, I felt much much better. I felt like Me, again. Besides, I've always believed to never trust anyone else with your happiness. So, here is my list of 10 Things That Get Me Going. Of course, as I grow older, this list may change, but let's try to keep it as timeless as possible.

10. Talking to someone I've known for a really really long time.

9. Getting Inspired by that makeup look on that magazine cover.

8. Cooking & baking to perfection for someone else.

7. Hearing my fat cat snoring, cuddled next to me.

6. The one that started this list. Singing too loud for anyone's good in the car.

5. The ability to put that spare change into my coin bank. Or spare change into my bank account ;)

4. Thinking to myself after seeing a pretty celebrity " Well, I actually KIND of look like her!"

3. HUGS!

2. Shopping. Oh why. Oh why!!!! ( Note: This comes after "Saving Money")

1. Chocolate. Not the dark kind but the purely smooth creamy milk chocolate kind. OH YESSS YESS!!

Insecurities. Appreciation. Justice.

I don't know how relatable my stories are to others and I'd like to think that I am special, but hopefully, some will find my stories similar to theirs. Putting aside, the vast difference in the scope of well, let's put it "adventures", I have to go through in my short life lived, I'd believe that I'd still be a little bit of special.

One of the greatest things I have to deal with is insecurity(ies). As a student, one of the greatest insecurity I've dealt with is my education. Mistakes that happened in the yesteryears which was purely based on my faith on those wiser older than me clearly proved to be grave. The worst part of it all, everything that threatens my very education all stands out of my control and hands. It's not the failing I'm ever worrying about. It's the very CONTINUATION of my education which gives me greatest fear. And if this latest threat falls through, I guess, either God thinks I deserve it somehow for something I did, or formal education is just not for me. Too many hiccups, too many bumps... too many non-failing failed attempts and to think this is coming from a so-called "bright" student.

Lesson #1 : Always go with your instinct. Not those who, from some form of power or hierarchy, you should be listening to. Always go with the norm and you'd never go wrong. Education is not a gamble, Do not take risks. and if you make your mistakes, make sure it is your own mistakes. It's much easier to handle that way.

Appreciation.

It's hard to expect to be appreciated. It always seem like the better half of the deal goes to someone who totally does not deserve it at all. Especially when it comes to family. It's hard drawing the line between who contributes more towards the family on most occasions. But it seems that this occasion, it's quite straightforward. Having invited a elderly family member home despite having people at home hate you for it if one hard thing to deal with. But it takes on a whole new level when that same person, who lied and said they were too busy with work (but actually out) to spend time with their elders, get the better half of the deal.

Lesson #2 : Never do anything nice.

Which takes me to justice, have I lost faith in thinking that, if I do my best I will get returns? Have I lost faith in Justice?

Lesson #3: Only time will tell. Stop being impatient.

From the Fourth to the Twelveth.

A lot of people have commented that I've been looking very sad lately. Like there's something lacking. I don't know how they can tell. Maybe I twinkle a little less in the eyes. Or maybe it's the little awkward changes in my jokes and sarcasm.

I admit, yes, a lot has been going on my mind. And to make it even harder. I just can't really pin point to what it is. Trust me, I've been trying really hard to organise these thoughts and put them all in a straight line. I miss that feeling of knowing exactly what to say when you want to rant. The feeling that you wont be judged. And hopefully through that venting you find a solution since you actually know what the problem is.

The feeling of just running away or putting myself into a deeper state of denial is growing really strong.

I hope that this feeling isn't going to be cyclical or permanent even.

Middle of this year, I think I had one of the best times in my life and I did not know where to draw the line. And to this day I'm still dreaming of those days when reality does not exist for me. And the little girl inside of me just refuse to wake up.

In T minus 8 days I am going to formally jump into the adult pool. No, it does not contain too much porn. But rather, more responsibilities. Thinking about it, I don't think I am actually capable of living up to it. Then again thinking about it.... who is?

In 29 years time I will be crossing the half-decade phase and even then, I will still ask the same question.

Spaces.Changes.Being "Responsible".

I've been experiencing a serious lax in securing my academic performance ever since the start of third year. While I do recognise that this is literally gonna affect how I'm going to survive my next three years in clinicals, it's really hard to get out of this hole!

I've even resorted to downloading apps like '55,000 motivational quotes". Yes, I admit, I have been really distracted. How I managed to be so distracted and down-right lazy during preclinicals and still scrape through pretty awesome-ly really baffles me. The downside of this is that I've lost faith in myself that I'll manage to repeat such a feat in the near future.

Faith in myself. These past few months really tested me and I feel as though as I'm failing miserably in this. I hope that getting all these thoughts out in the very wide open, I would somehow manage to get my (Academic) life back on track. But then again, this is what we call life and yes, I am entering the last "young life" milestone in my life. I'm officially entering my third decade of life. Officially being old? almost crossing the boundaries past YOUNG ADULTHOOD. Possibly ending the time when the only real responsibility I have is just "To Learn".

The again, don't get me wrong. My life outside my academics is going really peachy. Peachy as compared to before. I even think that by using the word peachy is an understatement. It's going really well, I have a relatively happy family background, a good stable loving relationship, great friends, time for myself ( hell, I'm taking too much time for myself) but a little bit lazy to excercise.

Maybe that's where I need to change, my active life. dammit, I wanna start kickboxing again, get my kickboxing awesome legs and flexibility back. I WANT IT BACK!!!

Examination.Holidays.Bali.Clinicals.

Introducing: Mini ME!

This is Makmah's (my maid since I was 2 months old) new granddaughter and as the last one to "get a grandchild named after you" I'm proud to introduce to you guys, NAZURAH!

I've been looking around at a lot of baby clothes to send down to my maids hometown and so excited to see the pictures of her wearing them!

I bought this cute APPLEBOTTOM top/dress and feels like I should accompany a short snippet of "Low".

apppleee bottom jeaaannnnnssss boootsss with da fuuuurrrrr!!!

It's been almost 3 months since my last post and I know I think it was a REALLY REALLY short 3 months. I've had my not so extremely stressful mugging season, had my exams, then celebrated with many many trips abroad (nearby only lah, not so far one) and then now I'm back and raring to go for my new section of my life as a Clinical Medical student. *ties my rambo scarf* AAAARRGHHH!!! BRING IT!

I travelled a lot in the last few months, Singapore, Malaysia, Bali, Singapore, Malaysia, Bali.... and next week, Manjung for my first posting (Paediatrics).

I love travelling and I love not stepping into the same old situation time and again. I love and live for the unfamiliar. I guess that is how I've accepted my life to be. Unfamiliar. Spontaneous. Awkward at times. But I don't find myself complaining about my life as much as I did when I was younger. Maybe slowly, I've come to realise that this is what He has chosen for me, and He knows that I'm strong enough to go through the weirdness in my life. I'm glad that the things that actually get me down are really the things that should get you down. Family, Education, Finances and not those nitty gritty things like classmates, housemates, groupmates and oh-so-immature-judgemental people.

I guess this short entry should end here and hopefully I'll remember to update a little bit more during my first posting and hey! Ramadhan is next week! whee!

Cupcakes and Birthdays.

I stopped giving actual presents quite sometime ago and gave people my lil tiny cupcakes aka Babycakes out as birthday presents. Why? Cos I'm a cheapskate.

But hey, people are so taken away by the absolute cuteness of the cupcakes that they totally forget about what a cheapskate you are! Trust me!! But I've had a few people who go "Hey, Where's my real present?"

So, On to the pictures to last Friday's Birthday celebration at Delicious at DUA Residence for May!

Okay well, here, please note that these were also done together with my friend who, as u can tell likes cupcakes that look more like rainbow vomit. No offence intended!

So how did I actually get into this whole cupcake shabang?

I'm one of those trend followers yeah yeah. Well, actually it started a few years back when I tried hard wanting to try one of those cupcakes from a cafe in Damansara, but I went to the place several times and never seem to find the cafe! So I got so frustrated, I said, I'll make them myself. Then it became an obsession, I'd make a batch every weekend and by the forth weekend, my family was so sick of them the cupcakes went on weeks with no one touching them. Then one fine day, my mum decided to help me set up my stall at a Flea Market nearby and VOILA! Babycakes was born!! Here, you can see one of our flyers immortalized by Facebook.

After a while this got really tiring, so I ceased taking orders and selling at the fleamarket. After a while making these cupcakes didnt feel as inspiring as it once did.

Although I am not doing my lil mini-buiness thing anymore, I still do take orders for cupcakes for friends and my regular customers. And occasionally, I open an order for a fresh batch of inspired homemade style cupcakes =D