From the Fourth to the Twelveth.

A lot of people have commented that I've been looking very sad lately. Like there's something lacking. I don't know how they can tell. Maybe I twinkle a little less in the eyes. Or maybe it's the little awkward changes in my jokes and sarcasm.

I admit, yes, a lot has been going on my mind. And to make it even harder. I just can't really pin point to what it is. Trust me, I've been trying really hard to organise these thoughts and put them all in a straight line. I miss that feeling of knowing exactly what to say when you want to rant. The feeling that you wont be judged. And hopefully through that venting you find a solution since you actually know what the problem is.

The feeling of just running away or putting myself into a deeper state of denial is growing really strong.

I hope that this feeling isn't going to be cyclical or permanent even.

Middle of this year, I think I had one of the best times in my life and I did not know where to draw the line. And to this day I'm still dreaming of those days when reality does not exist for me. And the little girl inside of me just refuse to wake up.

In T minus 8 days I am going to formally jump into the adult pool. No, it does not contain too much porn. But rather, more responsibilities. Thinking about it, I don't think I am actually capable of living up to it. Then again thinking about it.... who is?

In 29 years time I will be crossing the half-decade phase and even then, I will still ask the same question.

Spaces.Changes.Being "Responsible".

I've been experiencing a serious lax in securing my academic performance ever since the start of third year. While I do recognise that this is literally gonna affect how I'm going to survive my next three years in clinicals, it's really hard to get out of this hole!

I've even resorted to downloading apps like '55,000 motivational quotes". Yes, I admit, I have been really distracted. How I managed to be so distracted and down-right lazy during preclinicals and still scrape through pretty awesome-ly really baffles me. The downside of this is that I've lost faith in myself that I'll manage to repeat such a feat in the near future.

Faith in myself. These past few months really tested me and I feel as though as I'm failing miserably in this. I hope that getting all these thoughts out in the very wide open, I would somehow manage to get my (Academic) life back on track. But then again, this is what we call life and yes, I am entering the last "young life" milestone in my life. I'm officially entering my third decade of life. Officially being old? almost crossing the boundaries past YOUNG ADULTHOOD. Possibly ending the time when the only real responsibility I have is just "To Learn".

The again, don't get me wrong. My life outside my academics is going really peachy. Peachy as compared to before. I even think that by using the word peachy is an understatement. It's going really well, I have a relatively happy family background, a good stable loving relationship, great friends, time for myself ( hell, I'm taking too much time for myself) but a little bit lazy to excercise.

Maybe that's where I need to change, my active life. dammit, I wanna start kickboxing again, get my kickboxing awesome legs and flexibility back. I WANT IT BACK!!!

Examination.Holidays.Bali.Clinicals.

Introducing: Mini ME!

This is Makmah's (my maid since I was 2 months old) new granddaughter and as the last one to "get a grandchild named after you" I'm proud to introduce to you guys, NAZURAH!

I've been looking around at a lot of baby clothes to send down to my maids hometown and so excited to see the pictures of her wearing them!

I bought this cute APPLEBOTTOM top/dress and feels like I should accompany a short snippet of "Low".

apppleee bottom jeaaannnnnssss boootsss with da fuuuurrrrr!!!

It's been almost 3 months since my last post and I know I think it was a REALLY REALLY short 3 months. I've had my not so extremely stressful mugging season, had my exams, then celebrated with many many trips abroad (nearby only lah, not so far one) and then now I'm back and raring to go for my new section of my life as a Clinical Medical student. *ties my rambo scarf* AAAARRGHHH!!! BRING IT!

I travelled a lot in the last few months, Singapore, Malaysia, Bali, Singapore, Malaysia, Bali.... and next week, Manjung for my first posting (Paediatrics).

I love travelling and I love not stepping into the same old situation time and again. I love and live for the unfamiliar. I guess that is how I've accepted my life to be. Unfamiliar. Spontaneous. Awkward at times. But I don't find myself complaining about my life as much as I did when I was younger. Maybe slowly, I've come to realise that this is what He has chosen for me, and He knows that I'm strong enough to go through the weirdness in my life. I'm glad that the things that actually get me down are really the things that should get you down. Family, Education, Finances and not those nitty gritty things like classmates, housemates, groupmates and oh-so-immature-judgemental people.

I guess this short entry should end here and hopefully I'll remember to update a little bit more during my first posting and hey! Ramadhan is next week! whee!

Cupcakes and Birthdays.

I stopped giving actual presents quite sometime ago and gave people my lil tiny cupcakes aka Babycakes out as birthday presents. Why? Cos I'm a cheapskate.

But hey, people are so taken away by the absolute cuteness of the cupcakes that they totally forget about what a cheapskate you are! Trust me!! But I've had a few people who go "Hey, Where's my real present?"

So, On to the pictures to last Friday's Birthday celebration at Delicious at DUA Residence for May!

Okay well, here, please note that these were also done together with my friend who, as u can tell likes cupcakes that look more like rainbow vomit. No offence intended!

So how did I actually get into this whole cupcake shabang?

I'm one of those trend followers yeah yeah. Well, actually it started a few years back when I tried hard wanting to try one of those cupcakes from a cafe in Damansara, but I went to the place several times and never seem to find the cafe! So I got so frustrated, I said, I'll make them myself. Then it became an obsession, I'd make a batch every weekend and by the forth weekend, my family was so sick of them the cupcakes went on weeks with no one touching them. Then one fine day, my mum decided to help me set up my stall at a Flea Market nearby and VOILA! Babycakes was born!! Here, you can see one of our flyers immortalized by Facebook.

After a while this got really tiring, so I ceased taking orders and selling at the fleamarket. After a while making these cupcakes didnt feel as inspiring as it once did.

Although I am not doing my lil mini-buiness thing anymore, I still do take orders for cupcakes for friends and my regular customers. And occasionally, I open an order for a fresh batch of inspired homemade style cupcakes =D

Kickboxing: Update 1

Well, what can I say about my used-to be-new obsession, I signed up for the 8 Classes a month for the month of March- April, and guess what? It wasn't enough, I suppose if I did not have so many camps to go to in April I would have easily have gone for 3-5 times a week. So since, I have my whole study break in May, I decided to go for every single day where I can.

I have to say, My body had changed so much, I didn't think I could have been this way just a month and a half back.

1st change: My legs has decreased in cellulite. And I wasn't even sure that the thigh cellulite would ever go away! but it really looks smoother and now I can wear my short dresses and shorts again!!

2nd change: Now I am able to easily run 2.4km without feeling like I'm going to die. I know many of you ( those 28 Unique Readers) I have think that hey, 2.4km is NOTHING??? but guys, you've gotta understand where I'm coming from! This is a slightly "chubby" young female adult who in her life has never been considered fit. haha! But this also is due to the morning jog (this week i only did two cos I was too tired from kickboxing the evening before) I have been taking after sending my brother to school.

3rd change: You know when you do those leg stretches on the floor, you find it so difficult to even reach the tip of your fingers to your toes, but guess what. I became so flexible, I could kiss and hug my knee, and currently i feel like if my knee wasn't in the way, I could kiss the floor.

4th Change : My conversation with my best friend went like this in the cafeteria one day,

me : oh! look!! I now have BICEPS!!!

her: *rolls eyes* oh come on. I dont believe you

me: COME HERE! LOOK! *flexes my muscles under my long sleeved shirt* feel it!!

her: *pokes the side of my arm half heartedly * no, thats fat!

me: no, not there. HERE. *shows her the top of my arm*

her: Thats your bone, genius.

me: NO WAY! THATS MY MUSCLE!!!!! *grins contently with self*

but, well for the main aim for losing weight, I haven;t =( I mean, I really am caving in on my diet, I really really hate dieting but i really really love working out. I did lose a couple of kgs in one week but then I somehow gained it back this week. hahaha! oh =( It's sad though when you feel all this changes to your body, but then, your weight doesnt change. I have a feeling its due to all the muscle thats building up under a ton of fat that I have.

Growing up. Crumbling down and Everything in Between. Part Two

At this age, I haven't really understood the concept of dating, relationships and what not. So how was I to know what one of my mum's first relationship other than with my dad was like. All I knew, was that I HATED him from the deepest pit in my lungs and I couldn't stand breathing the air in my house whenever he was around. He was apparently some captain of some weird knotted Ferry to Batam sort of thing. Oh well, I couldn't even care less. But, I remembered ever drawing a pile of Shit instead of his face in one of my tween-age diaries. (At that time, I did not know of Shitface, I just knew Shit and Face) Alast, I just carried on with my life, I actually forgot how long my mum lasted with that guy but apparently other fellow colleagues of his were interested in my mum too, so she had lots of "boyfriends" from that era. Whatever boyfriends meant to her.

And at the end of the day, my mum found out that her 27 yr old boyfriend was already engaged to a 26 yr old young lady and soon after they married, she got pregnant.

I suppose at that time, I was already pretty into the whole puppy love business that I could safely understand bits and pieces about how important having someone to love you and be loved is. I was also one of those hopeless romantic day dreamers that well, as people my age would now say, " Never Got Any".

During my early teen years, I had a few guys I got close to and may have had something special, but I never had a real real boyfriend. Since I spent most of my time online, most of them that I was close to were only a few hundred miles away in another swept of country I'd dream about going to someday. I can't say that anything has changed about that, since, well, I spent 90% of my time awake online, the other 10% are for my eating. showering and pooping.

(There was one though, one that really had a lasting impact on me, which I might tell you guys, one day.... one day when him and I are all blown over and forgotten.)

So anyway, I always did seek attention from the opposite gender, but my outgoing overly friendly ways always seem to, well, frighten them away! Either that, or they would think I'm into them or something. Now, one of the reasons I've come to realise that caused me to constantly seek attention from them was that my mother had always measured her worth to how many guys were after her at any point of her life. Only when I grew older that I've realised, that you know what? Forget the opposite gender, I'd like to be a lesbian.

(End of Part two)

p.s. no, I'm not lesbian. I just said that cos it deemed fitting. HAHAHAHAHAH. I'm perfectly straight TYVM.

Growing up. Crumbling down and Everything in Between. Part One

I promised myself that I'd never ever write one of those posts where people would definitely go "Danggg, this girl is such a teenager." but, hey, we all have those moments in our life where we really feel the need to just put our thoughts into less-than coherent sentences and less than lame emotional rants.

You could safely say that my life started when my parents divorced in 1999 some almost 11 years ago. Back then, I didn't think it would affect me at all because the change happened when I was still as I would consider, quite young. I was barely turning ten, my sister twelve and my brother six. I did not understand the implications of the divorce and I can never safely say I'd ever do. We just thought that, my dad would live in a separate house but we'd still get to see him every fortnight and since my mum told us that "Nothing would change", we all believed that nothing would.

But, the truth is that, they would never speak nicely to each other again, my father had to take drastic measures just to see us on weekdays, he was not even allowed to call us or have our home phone number and my life, from then on, would be perfectly, difficult. But, hey, who's life isn't difficult?

My mother had influenced us into thinking that divorce was a very good thing. That happiness only comes with divorce and that we shouldn't be afraid of it. I suppose in the most part my parents thought it was for the better and I respect that, but never can a broken marriage ever give the children the textbook happiness that was being taught in the classrooms and in fairytales. If it was taken wrongly, the children might have a perpetual sense of hopelessness that they themselves would ever end up as happy as those people in the textbook marriage. Sadly, I am on the brink of that deep deep ditch that I would never seem to get out of.

Before the divorce, I was as awkward as any growing little girl would be and I must say after it, nothing changed for the better. I was more awkward than a badly sewn hem and I remembered always trying to get the self-gratification of being "cool" and hanging in the "in" crowd in primary school. But, all my childhood friends know that my knee high white cotton socks with the waisted skirt that touched the bottom of my knees were never fashionable.

The direct year after the divorce, it had to be the worst school-going year of my life. I had a teacher who was racist, biased and down right cruel. I have nightmares about her barring me from my medical exams till this day and one day, I just wish, I had the chance to run her over with a giant public bus. She always looked down on us, minorities and never even spoken to us with a happy tone. Her rolling eyes that she tossed about in that empty sockets of hers when any of the minorities made a mistake or had forgotten their homework, I bet is still very much etched into the memories of everyone in my class. I remembered, how she laughed (and therefore, made everyone else in class join her) at me for not able to remember all seven ports of Singapore and writing down Loyang instead.

Now, how did a Primary 5 girl know about Loyang? It's hardly a place for a girl to know about ships being there and anyway, all her life she's been living in Bedok.

Welcome to the first of my mother's destructive relationships.

(End of Part One)

Kickboxing. My New Love. I can't stop thinking about it almost every moment of the day and I look forward to the heart pumping, muscle straining workout I get from the session.

I have always been eyeing taking it up ever since I got a small bite out of it back in Secondary School. At that time, it was more of the BodyCombat format than the real kickboxing thing. So, a few googles later, TNT Kickboxing was my choice. Located in the heart of Sri Hartamas, right next to Hartamas Sq. A lot of people SCREAM in agony of the distance needed to travel to this gym but for me, hell, it's worth it.

They offer trial lessons every Monday and Wednesday, and my tip is to bring lots of energy and about 100 or so bucks, depending on which package you'd like to sign up. Most, would sign up on the sport, no doubt. I know I did, but I made the mistake of not planning ahead and cashing out some money before I went. So I missed out on the adorable keychain offer.

The people there are all superb as well, with the exception of what I would refer to as Minah KLs and Typical Eurasian B******, the other people there are really willing to help you out in case of anything. So being a newbie, is so much more comfortable. The people you meet there also have this insane love for kickboxing and they could relate to me when I tell them that all I ever want to do at the end of the day is come and kickbox.

I see myself taking this up for at least a year! What is even more encouraging is that, almost everyone that goes there, has reported a lot of weight loss. whee~ That's never a bad thing. I can't wait for my next session tomorrow morning. Oh, My darling, how I wish I had more time for you.

Tumblr.

Nazurah now haz Tumblrs.

http://ilivemylifeloving.tumblr.com

I will neglecting you not, blog. I'll be back soon!

Defining Moment

One of the Defining Moments of My Medical Student Life:

Driving at 140km/h on a main road rushing to Syarikat Kamal before it closes at 1pm on a Sunday Afternoon. Thanks, Mr Procrastination. Thanks.

Countdown 8 hours to a short period of freedom.

One thing I can't stand about having exams at the end of the week is the fact that you have absolutely no drive to study for it because you're too busy getting caught up in the excitement of the weekend or, in this case, the rare glimpse of a week of holidays we medical students have.

And then, in anticipation of this wonderful relaxing holidays, we pack all sorts of social activities and then, before we know it, POOF! the holidays are gone.

I'm writing this in the midst of packing for my short trip to Jakarta over the ever uneventful Valentine's weekend and after that an extended stay in Singapore, Maybe if I'm lucky enough going to the brand new Universal Studios that's opening this Sunday.

I hate packing. I really hate the decisions we have to make when trying to pack all the essentials into one tiny bag. PFFFFTTT. back to work.

Twenty-One-Zero.

It's been three days since the New Years and mine was fairly uneventful, Just a small cozy picnic with Nad and the boys from the other house. A wonderful meal prepared by Azam Yum Yum! and the yummy spotted dick pudding prepared by me that wasn't so Yumyum! (Was not my fault, it came in a can)

So, moving on from all the boring stuff, My start of the new year has been accompanied with a lot of reflections ( Surprise surprise! ) What I realised is that, no matter how "unnaive" I think I am, I'm just as naive. Do you get me? Well having turned 20 a few weeks ago, I really felt like it's time I took control of my opinions, becoming that outspoken opinionated girl when I was say, 15-18?

2008 and 2009 really took the opinions out of me, Life has been a struggle for me, and sometimes I feel like it would have been easier if I hadn't wanted to be perfect. I literally gave up ever fighting for what I know is right and what I wanted. Now, It's always me going, "FINE, whatever makes you happy."

I can't really even get angry at that fact anymore. Even as the new decade of the two-thousands rolled in my mind is just blank and the motivation and drive to do absolutely anything is absent. I'm still searching for the cause of this lost of direction and really, about me having an opinion.

But, it is just part of me becoming who I will be as an adult? That an Adult Naz would just want to go on with her life just fine, without the politics, without fighting for herself and just giving in and taking it day by day?